The man walked alongside his mother down the beautiful tree lined path. They walked in comfortable silence, each filled with their own thoughts that neither felt the need to share. A gentle breeze sang through the spring leaves on the trees as their footsteps and the sound of his grandfather's stick provided the base beat to the gentle song.

He thought of a time years before when he had walked this path with his grandfather, a man quick of wit and as sharp as men half his age. The younger man had listened in awe as the stories poured from his grandfather with a natural ease that few possess. They had talked of many things and many tales were told on their afternoon walks. He had favourites that he had asked his grandfather to tell him again and again and even now he could almost repeat them word for word. Even so, the walk he remembered with the most clarity was one where the words were never repeated, but the man had carried them in his heart always.

He had only been young, more a boy than a man but his heart had been heavy with the hurt of an unrequited love. He had walked with his grandfather and spilled all he was feeling and he had felt silly at voicing such emotions to another man. His grandfather had listened silently, nodding to let the boy know his attention was with him and the older man had waited until the boy ran himself dry of all the hurt he was feeling.

When he had fallen silent his grandfather had laid his hand on the young man's shoulder. He remembered the exact words that his grandfather spoke.

'One day, you will notice a girl waiting beside you. She may not be the prettiest of the girls you have dated and she may not be the smartest, but there will be something about her that makes you want to look to her again. And if you are one of the lucky ones and you allow yourself to know her, she will surprise you with the person that she is. She will be the type of girl who wants to dance when there is no music and play outside when it starts to rain. She will cry at happy endings and fall in love with the heroes in books. She will feel safe in your arms and gurgle in contentment when she has pleased you. She will love you intensely and if you are smart enough to let her, she will give you everything she has to give. When you have been loved like that, even if you part, you wont need to feel this sadness because you will carry this love always, in your heart.'

The young man had stopped walking and turned to face his grandfather. 'You were loved like this?'

'Of course.'

'Grandma?'

His grandfather's face lit up at the mention of his wife, the love he felt for her obvious.

He prodded his grandson's foot with his stick. 'Never you mind who. That's none of your business,' he laughed. 'All you need to know is that I gave some of that love to your father, and he gave some of it to your mother, and we all gave it to you. There will come a time when you will have a chance to share it with someone too. Don't waste it. Hold her with both arms and love her for all she is worth.'

He had thought his grandfather didn't understand, but he had held his tongue and over time the hurt of the love gone wrong had faded away. One day he had noticed a girl beside him and he allowed himself get to know her and he remembered his grandfather's words and he had finally understood what the older man had meant.

He smiled now as he thought of his wife and their newborn son and how much love they shared. He realised his mother had spoken and he blinked at her in surprise.

'Pardon mum?'
'You were miles away. What were you thinking?'
The man smiled. 'I was thinking of grandad and how much I would have liked my son to have known him.'
'Gosh,' she said surprised. 'I see your grandfather in both your father and you everyday. Your son will know him, because you will pass on what he gave you. That's what family is about.'

The man thought about this a moment. 'You know mum, wouldn't it be nice, if one day, when I am gone, my grandson took my stick for a walk.'

His mother smiled at the wonderful intimacy in that statement. She stayed quiet but she hoped that he remembered to mention it to his wife later on.

The man glanced at his watch. 'Oh mum, we have to hurry back or we will miss the kick off. Was there enough roast leftover for a sandwich? I am starving.'

His mother laughed.

'What?' he said, puzzled.

'Nothing,' she replied still giggling as she slid her arm through his. 'If you are lucky, your father has left you something. I would expect he has already made himself a sandwich or two to eat before the game.'

Her son pondered this for a moment. 'That's ok,' he said. 'If dad has made two, I will just steal one of his.'

She smiled to herself, imagining the uproar that would cause.

She loved the men in her life with everything she had to give.

This morning Mac woke me early. He had already showered then come back to bed.

'Sarah?' He whispered while shaking me gently
'Mmmhmm?'
'I have to go, I am running late.'
'Mmmhmm?'
'I cant stop thinking about you and your Italian and guess what?'
'Your cock is hard?'
'Yep.'
'Can't let that go to waste now can I?'
'Nope.'

And so we had sex. Very fast sex. His hair was damp and He smelt all clean and yummy. I wanted to lick Him all over but there was hardly time to kiss Him. There was no foreplay save for the above conversation and He pushed His way into me and within a minute or two, Mac came and I came and it was good. Then he dove out of the bed and threw on clothes like the devil himself was after Him. I lay there watching Him. He grabbed His phone off the dresser and shoved it into His pocket and raced out of the bedroom. I blinked. He suddenly come flying back in, leant over and kissed me.

'Sorry babe, I am late, bye!' and then He was gone.

I wondered if I should be mad that He uses me for sex and disappears or happy that what He could easily have quickly taken care of in the shower, He preferred to bring to me. I have to admit I like the thought that His cock is still sticky with me and I am sitting here with sticky thighs myself. I like that in a choice between being late or being laid, sex with me wins.

Grins.

I can't be mad at Him for that.

Yesterday morning Mac and I spent a long time playing with each other. We did that thing we love to do where Mac weaves a fantasy into my mind while we are having sex. This fantasy was very powerful. It was about the Italian rugby player that I had spent some innocent time flirting with. Mac accepts that if this Italian had asked me to come with him there is a damn good chance I would have gone. Mac wasn't there. I was alone in another country and there was this fabulous Man there and I was drunk on wanting him. For small while, the Italian had filled my mind. For a while my fantasies had revolved around the Italian. Sometimes, they still do. I admitted this to Mac.

He was a little jealous. He was also hugely aroused. The idea that someone could take me away from Him turns Him on. He becomes determined to fill me full of His semen and to mark me as His. It becomes about possession. We have teased each other with fantasies about the Italian before and in truth now, I doubt he is anything like the Man Mac and I have created. Most men that have an affect on me like that manage to say or do something to stuff it up within hours of meeting, sometimes within minutes. Mac has been the only one that has managed to keep me enthralled.

So yesterday, Mac started to touch me and while He touched me He started to talk about the Italian. He talked for about an hour, stopping when I had Him at the stage where He had to concentrate not to come and when He wanted to just enjoy my orgasm. At times He touched me and at times He made me touch myself. At times He fucked me and at times I was sucking on His cock. I came many times, so many I doubt either of us could even come close to guessing. I got so a single touch from Him would send me into convulsions. He didn't come until the end though, after a full hour of foreplay.

The fantasy went like this:

I bring the Italian home with me, and meet up with Mac in the kitchen. Mac watches me, and I am unaware that I can't stop touching him, my hands resting on the Italian's arm or thigh as we talk. Mac says little, just allows me to take the Italian's hand and lead him demurely to the bedroom.

Later Mac and I bump into each other in the kitchen again. I am wearing nothing more than a tee shirt. We talk.

'Hi babe. You ok?' Mac asked.
'Yes. He is sleeping.'
'Worn him out huh?'
'Yes. I am just making me some tea. I want him to sleep a little, then wake for...'
'You know after tonight you can't have him again...yes?'
'I know. That's why I want as much of him as I can tonight.' I move closer to Mac and tell Him my tee shirt is soggy.

He reaches behind me and touches the back of my shirt, lifting it so He can slide His fingers down between my ass cheeks.

'Ah, I see he likes to use your ass.'
'Yes, he loves my ass.'
'I can tell, his semen is still hot.'
'That is the last place he came before he fell asleep.'

I take my tea back upstairs and Mac follows to stand in the doorway. I climb onto the bed and sip my tea as I stroke the Italian's hair while he sleeps. The Italian's cock is lying against his thigh, moist, big, but not erect. As Mac watches I reach between my legs and trail my fingers through my cum-soaked pussy and bring them to my mouth.

I put the tea on the bedside table and shift to the feet of my dark haired giant. While he sleeps I lick his toes, then slowly over his feet, oblivious to everything else. I kiss his ankles, his shins up slowly, slowly, over his knees, his thighs, taking his soft cock lovingly in my hands, just holding it against my cheek licking delicately at the tip, holding it daintily in my fingers and licking and nuzzling his balls.

As Mac watches, the Italian's cock becomes erect in my hand as I lick over his tummy, kissing his belly button, breathing in the scent from between his legs and whimpering to myself. I kiss up over his chest, licking softly at each nipple then over his dark jaw, rough on my tongue. I look up and catch Mac's eye. My eyes are glistening.

'So much, I love him so much.' I whisper and I bend to kiss his mouth. He is awake now and my tongue slides between his lips and his cock pulses in my hand. Mac closes the door and walks away.

All night I am awake. He sleeps after each orgasm but I don't. Mac hears me padding around occasionally, knowing I just want him to wake and come in me again.

Mac sees me again later and I lean against Him. I am naked this time and I reek of the Italian. When Mac reaches between my legs I am hot and swollen. My breasts are full, engorged still with sex.

'I am not sure if it is enough, one night. I have had him all night and I want him as much now as I did before I brought him home and love him more.' I cry quietly as I speak.

Mac just touches my pussy again and lets me lean against Him. His fingers find my clitoris and He holds me up as He makes me come. It only takes seconds, as I am so aroused that the slightest touch is making me shudder and come. Mac sits me on the kitchen table and tells me that He needs to come now too. I open my legs and slide my tongue into His mouth. I wrap my legs around Him and pull Him into me.

Mac comes quickly, hard, shuddering and I bite His lips and squeeze His cock, pushing against Him so that I come too. His cock filling me is more than a slight touch.

As Mac withdraws we become aware of a shape in the doorway. The Italian watched. He saw it all and now He stands there, not knowing what to do. He is embarrassed at the affection between us, but his cock is engorged. I smile at Mac and then at my Italian and walk slowly to him. I gently take hold of his cock and lead him to the stairs.
'Come, caro mio,' I say. 'A girl is not going to waste this.'

His next orgasm is with him leaning against the inside of the bedroom door, his cock thrusting into my mouth, his hands in my hair. My grunts and gurgles of lust are audible downstairs, as are his and Mac listens as I make him come again.


It was here that Mac took a deep breath and knew that He Himself could not hold back much longer. I was in a whole other world that He had created living each experience in my mind and reacting to the words He was giving me. He pulled me to Him again and slid His cock inside me. I shuddered and came on Him. He whispered gently in my ear.

'Tell me Sarah, if he had been on lying on his tummy when he slept and you licked him like you did when he was lying on his back, would you reach for his balls with your tongue?'

I managed to gasp out 'yes' then I started to tell Mac of what I wanted to do. This is actually a really hard thing for me to do. I can write about sex without a problem at all but talking about it, especially while His cock is filling me is near to impossible to me, but I was there, living it with the Italian. It was my turn to make Mac come and I wanted Him to come hard.

I spread the Italian's legs apart and lay between them, gently tonguing his balls. When he woke and became hard I slid my tongue between his ass cheeks and pressed it into his ass. I asked him to kneel on all fours so that I could tongue fuck him properly and jerk his cock. I grunted and moaned and whimpered as I licked His dangling balls and caressed his cock. I wanted to lick his ass, his balls and his cock all at the same time, desperate to make him feel everything. I wanted him to come again, even though he had already filled my ass and pussy and mouth with his semen, some places more than once. I rubbed my breasts over his ass and jerked his cock. I slid my tongue back into his ass and squirmed a finger in beside it, using my finger to fuck him deeply, and I jerked his cock.


Mac's body had tightened and I knew from the way His breath caught that He was on the very edge of coming and I slid a finger into His ass and continued to whisper to Him.

'When he starts to come, I will lick his balls, fingering his ass and I will rub his come back over his cock and I will moan and shudder.'

Mac came with an intensity I have rarely seen in Him before. His whole body shook and all I could do was hold Him to me and caress His face and nuzzle against His neck. He lay on me for the longest time, just trying to catch His breath. I held Him and kissed Him and used the time to compose myself. I couldn't stop myself from clenching on His cock. I had no control over that part of my body and He eventually withdrew from me because the feeling was too intense for both of us. My mind was racing.

'You wouldn't really let me do that, would You?' I asked.
'I wouldn't fucking let you enjoy it so much!' He answered and we both started laughing.

A while later we dragged ourselves out of bed and went downstairs for something to eat and drink. We sat together at the table and talked about all different things and neither of us talked about the sex we had just had. He had me laughing and I had Him laughing and it was just good fun to be together. We were both feeling drained and Mac said there was nothing at work that couldn't wait until the afternoon so we headed back upstairs and climbed back into bed and fell asleep for a little while.

Mac woke before I did and when I woke He was stroking my cheek. I opened my eyes to see His watching me.

'Hello gorgeous,' He said. I felt my heart burst open. How on earth can I keep falling more in love with this Man? He asked me what I felt about the fantasy He had told me and I blushed. I held His hand against my cheek and told Him that I honestly felt a little guilty about it. He asked me why I felt guilty, was it because I love the Italian so much? I smiled and told Him that I only love the Italian as much as He lets me. He just happens to let me love the Italian a lot.

Mac kissed me and told me that He didn't mind me being in love with the Italian because we both know that the Italian is just a fantasy that we have made and because no matter what, I love Mac more. He felt no threat from our fantasy so He could let me revel in being in love with another man. He asked me why I had cried when He told me He had closed the door and walked away and I told Him because I knew I should open the door and go to Him, but I wanted to stay with the Italian too. He smiled and kissed me again.

'Sarah, I have to go to the office soon, but I want to make love to you before I go, ok?'

My eyes filled with tears. I pulled Him close to me and held on to Him as tight as I could. We made love, just as Mac and Sarah, two people that sometimes just can't get close enough to each other even when they are a part of each other. We showered together and dressed while still touching each other and when Mac pulled away from me to go to the office I felt like a piece of me was missing.

When He came home we fell into each other again, touching and kissing and smelling each other (god I love the way He smells). We made love again and still it wasn't enough. We fell asleep still touching each other.

Even now my body aches to be a part of His again.

I love it when I feel like this.

Sorry this post is late. Mac and I spent the morning in bed being extremely decadent with our sex. I am still trying to work out how it all made me feel so I shan't write about it today, but I will try and write down my feelings on it tomorrow. Instead I am going to write about something that happened when I was younger.

I was almost 15 when I lost my virginity to James. I shan't write about that experience because, well, it just wasn't sexy. It was mainly just painful. I don't know of any girl with a romantic, sexy, fun loss of virginity story. If anyone wants to tell me one, please do! James was 19 at the time and completely unaware of my virginity and my age. He didn't find out how old I was until quite some time later.

I was one of those girls that they call 'early developers.' In other words by the time I had turned 13, I had a c cup bra and my period. I adored boys. I had never found them to be icky creatures. I loved being around them. They were mysterious and they smelt good and I would have been completely happy if all my friends were boys. I found that older boys didn't mind me being around as much as ones my age did. Boys my age were hardly interested in girls unless they were going to show them their tits. I was actually quite prudish about this and had no desire to show just any boy my breasts, probably because I had more than the other girls I knew. (Damn it. There is nothing worse for a teenage girl than to be different!) Because of this I found my big brother's friends much more interesting than the boys I went to school with. I had often found myself flirting with boys much older than myself, but the boys knew I was "just a kid" and none of them took it further. Some how, when James came along, he wasn't told about my age and as I was sometimes dragged from nightclub to nightclub with them, He thought I was older. When He found out how old I really was we had already been secretly sleeping together for a while. It didn't seem to matter much by then.

One day, when I was 16 almost 17 and James and I had become a bit more open about the fact that we were seeing each other I was hanging out at James's apartment. One of James's friends had come over and then a couple more and I was pouting because we had spent the morning having decadent sex and all I wanted to do was curl up with James and go to sleep. All the boys wanted to do was get stoned and drink beer and act stupid with each other. James never allowed me to get stoned and never got stoned, he told me the whole idea of getting off your mind was insane to him. He would drink, but wouldn't allow me to do that either, so afternoons with his stoned drunk mates would drive me nuts because I could see just how stupid everyone was being. After I had acted really pissy for a while James sent me to bed alone.

This did not please me I was really cranky at him. I had stomped up the hallway and gone into James's room and tossed myself on the bed. I left the door open because I wanted to hear what was being said. Boys would walk past the bedroom to the bathroom and I would close my eyes and feign sleep when they did. I noticed that sometimes, when one walked past, they would slow down when they spotted me asleep on the bed. The thought of being looked at turned me on. I started thinking about one of them coming in to touch me and I found that I was squirming on the bed.

As I squirmed about, my top came down a little. As I moved about some more it came down a little more. I knew that it was wrong, but I also knew that a few of the guys had seen me asleep and I knew I could get away with it. I "accidentally" exposed one of my breasts. I lay on my side facing the door and felt my pussy throb and heat up. I was extremely aroused at the naughtiness of what I was doing, and at the thought of James's friends seeing the tits that he adored so much.

I was so nervous that I could hardly think past the pounding of blood in my ears but I did hear someone coming. I held still and tried to breath calmly. I heard the person stop at the doorway and then carry on to the bathroom. Whoever it was stopped on the way back from the bathroom as well and then moved back out into the living room. I know of at least two more that stopped on their way to the bathroom though it could have been the same guy three times, I don't know. The sex of the morning overtook the lust I was feeling and I really did fall asleep. When I woke I was no longer facing the doorway and James was sucking at my breast. Everyone had gone home and he had come to lie down with me and had found my top around my waist and my breasts ready for his enjoyment.

I never told him what I had done and I don't think he ever knew that some (at least one) of his friends had seen. Back then it seemed like such a big deal to have his friends see my breast but now, breasts are so readily available in magazines and on television I am a little embarrassed at what a silly little girl I was. I wonder now if any of them felt even a tinge of desire to see me like that. I wonder if they felt anything at all.

I would like to think that they did.

Today is ANZAC Day in Australia. To Australians and New Zealanders, this is an important day to remember the men and women that served in the armed forces and to say thankyou to them. So to all the diggers, those that have served and those that continue to serve, thankyou. (I love you Granpop.)

"They shall not grow old, as we that are left grow old
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them.

Lest we forget."


Last night, Mac and I found some U/us time. W/we sat together on the couch and snuggled. W/we held hands. W/we talked about times when W/we were just friends and some of the things W/we had done, some of the times W/we had spent loving each other.

I remembered a day that He had arrived at the pub and I was sitting there on my own, no one else W/we knew was about. He looked at me and asked what I was doing there all alone and I said I just wanted Him to myself for a while. He grinned at me and two other women W/we know walked in and Mac looked at them and sighed and quickly whispered in my ear 'It was fun while it lasted.'

God, I loved Him for that.

Another time, W/we bumped into each other in a bar as Mac was about to leave to go somewhere else. I was with a big group of people and He asked me if I wanted to go with Him. I immediately said yes. I didn't care where He went. I just wanted to go to. W/we had a ball, laughing and entertaining people as He dragged me happily from place to place. W/we stopped at one place and there was a lady holding court. She was very pretty and she looked perfect and she had a heap of male admirers that were each trying to hit on her. Mac had swept in with me in tow and was His usual boisterous self. This woman noticed Him immediately and watched Him like prey. I was very aware of her presence but there was little I could do. She honed in on Mac and did her absolute best to seduce Him. He and I were just friends, I could not compete with that. I sat quietly beside Him and listened. Mac flirted with her a little and she announced that she had found her date for the night. Mac looked at her in surprise.

'No you haven't. I am with Sarah.' And He took my hand and W/we walked out together.

God, I loved Him for that.

He said to me yesterday that He remembered thinking that He would rather spend a minute with me than a night with a bitch like her. I kissed Him. He kissed me back. I undid the buttons on my blouse and offered Him my breasts.

'They are Yours' I said.

W/we made love. Soft and gentle and intense love full of beautiful murmured words and deliciously shivery caresses. He suck bit my breasts. I used my muscles to love His cock. I was completely caught up in the smell and sight of Him and the way His body felt to me. It was passionate and filling and I am not sure if the orgasm started in my head or in my groin but the pleasure was overwhelming, especially since Mac was coming too. I collapsed against Him and He held me and rocked me and W/we lay there just content to be together for a while. Eventually I felt Mac start to stir beneath me.

'Sarah?' He whispered lovingly while He gently stroked my hair.
'Mmmhmmm?' I murmured snuggling further into His chest.
'I am starving, can W/we eat now?'
I looked at Him and started to laugh.
'Wot!' He said. 'I can't help it. I am a man.'

I love being allowed to be so much in love.

God, I love Him for that.

Two days ago I wrote about a dream I had. It was just a quick description of the dream because I remember very little of it. This is what I wrote:

"I dreamt last night of a girl whose collar was carved into the skin of her neck. It fascinated me in a repulsive way. The girl's skin was still raw from the carving but I watched as she explained the intricate knots that had been etched there. She cried while she talked about it as she hadn't wanted the marks to be put on her and when she had finished talking I kissed away her tears and held her. I don't remember anything more than that."

Danor then asked if I thought I knew the girl. My first thought was an immediate no. I had not recognised the woman in my dream. Then I realised that not recognising and not knowing are two different things. Perhaps I do know her.

I thought of Emma. Emma is a businesswoman. Her career comes first. She has very little time for the complexities of an involved 24/7 relationship but at the same time wants the love and affection that comes with a relationship. That makes Mac and I perfect for her. W/we place very little demands on her time but both love her and she loves U/us too. She has the freedom to do as she pleases and the love and approval of two people who mean a lot to her. It works very well. She is not collared. She does not belong to either Mac or I except by her own desire. She accepted Mac's dominance when she came to O/our bed and still accepts it to this day. I think she appreciates this one area of her life where she gives up control. When it is just Emma and I, we are neither submissive nor dominant with each other. We are more like two mischievously playful kittens, each made much braver just because the other is there to hold their hand. Some would say we are a bad influence on each other. Others would say we are a good influence on each other. Just depends on who you are.

I think Emma would struggle with a collar. It would be too tight for her to wear, but I also think that at heart Emma is submissive. She uses her time with U/us to recharge her batteries, to indulge in being a girly girl because she is not allowed that indulgence in the rest of her life. At times she struggles with this.

That led me to think about if there were other women that were struggling with their collars or with their submission but even though they don't want to submit, it is a part of who they are. Do I know anyone like that? Yes I do. A lot of women. I get emails from them, I read blogs by them, women that say 'I want to submit but when I do, I feel a need to reassert my independence.' Women that say, 'How can I be an intelligent, strong, worthwhile person and submit?' I don't have issues with this. I am an intelligent, strong, worthwhile person and I submit. I have a lot of independence within my dependence on Mac.

In some ways Mac is like a superior at work. I go along on my merry way until I run into trouble. Then I go to Him. He sets the budget that I work to. He deals with the things that are out of my league. I am left to get on with the things I have authority and responsibility to do. At the end of the day, both of U/us are needed for the work to be done. I am half of the Mac/Sarah team and without either of U/us the team doesn't exist. I don't think this is the answer for everyone, but it works for me.

So the girl could have been Emma or she could have been a lot of women that have been in my thoughts. Maybe she was all of them and maybe she was none. That's the thing about dreams. It's hard to tell what they really mean, if anything at all.

Last night I climbed into bed naked. Mac was already there. His body was toasty warm and I snuggled down beside Him, my back to His belly. He spooned against me. I thought, 'mmmmm.' He put His arm around me and kissed my ear and lay on His pillow pulling my body towards His. It was warm and it was delicious and I suddenly realised that what I was feeling most was love. Amazing how it can be defined by something so simple.

Sometimes I look for it too hard.

When Mac left yesterday I was a little frustrated. Not because the sex isn't great because, my God it has been dirty and nasty and I have been very submissive and the orgasms have been deep and satisfying. I was frustrated because after the sex Mac said that He had to go and jumped into the shower and was racing out the door while still getting dressed. Same as the day before. The day before that He hung around for a little while but the discussion was about needing a cupboard for His study. There seemed to me to be a pattern happening. I was getting sex, but very little affection.

So I spent the day fretting over it. Well, I spent a few days fretting over it. It bothered me. I didn't know how to bring it up with Him. I didn't know how to say, "I want more affection." I hoped it would just happen and it probably would have just happened but I didn't want to wait. Patience is a virtue. I have never claimed to be virtuous.

In the end, I admitted to Him that I had something to say and was probably going to completely stuff it up. He was listening. W/we ended up in a conversation where I told Him I wanted more affection from Him. He asked if I was saying that He was just using me for sex. I wasn't saying that. Heck, use me for the sex. Use me lots for sex! I really don't mind but can't I have the affection too?

He gave it some thought.
'S'pose.' He said. I smacked Him. 'WHAT?' He exclaimed.
'MEN!' I sighed.

He laughed and asked me how many times do I think that conversation was played out all over the world ending in MEN!

'Well!' I said in my well thought out defence.
'First you want fucking. Then you don't JUST want fucking.' He said again.

I gave up. I told Him I gave up.

'No you don't,' He said. 'I should be so lucky!'
'Yes I do,' I said. 'From now on forget about the love bullshit, the fucking will do.'

He grinned at me and told me that if He didn't eat He was going to faint. (He is never far from starvation.) Then He wouldn't even be good for the fucking.

I dismissed Him, told Him I was finished with Him and said 'shoo.' He laughed at me and took my hand and told me I was gorgeous. I laughed too. W/we went to eat.

And the fucking has really been spectacular. Mac is so wicked that at times He still takes my breath away and shocks me into orgasm.

Yesterday He straddled me and painted my lips and nipples red again with the lipstick that seems to have found a home in my bedside drawer. He sat with His cock resting between my tits and reached behind Him to slide His fingers along my pussy. He told me that I was hot and wet and brought His finger to my mouth and smeared my juices along the lipstick wiping it across my cheeks. I knew I must have looked like a used whore.

He leaned forward and kissed me, a hard bruising kiss, His tongue thrusting into my mouth. I whimpered and put my hands on His shoulders and He pushed them away and pinned them open on the bed. He told me not to move my arms again. I kept them there. He kissed me again. Then He slapped me.

He slapped me and called me a whore. He slapped me and called me a slut. He slapped me and called me a cock hungry cunt. He slapped me and asked me if I wanted His come. I was whimpering, fighting with myself to keep my arms out on the bed, rubbing my thighs together to quell the throbbing in my clitoris. He moved His cock up to my mouth and thrust Himself inside me. He pulled His cock from my mouth and slapped me again and told this bitch that I wasn't to swallow. I tried to say yes and He slapped me again and told me to shut up. He thrust into me again and again then He withdrew and jerked Himself into my open mouth, filling it with His semen.

He slid His body down mine so that He was laying over me and He licked my lips. He told me that He wanted me to keep His semen hot inside my mouth until He was ready to fuck my mouth again. He shifted to kneel between my legs. He demanded that I open my mouth and He dipped two fingers into His come and scooped it from me. He took the fingers to my pussy and He smeared His semen all along me, mixing it into my juices. Then He spat on His fingers and mixed that into me as well. I couldn't speak. I couldn't make a noise without risking swallowing or choking. I wasn't allowed to move my hands. All I could do was watch Him. He moved so that He was lying between my legs and He caressed me with His unshaven chin and jaw, grazing my sensitive skin. I arched my back, pulling myself away from Him the best I could, then pushed my hips back up to meet the delicious pain again. His teeth grazed my clitoris and I screamed in my mind, grinding myself into Him even more. He lifted my legs onto His shoulders and placed His tongue against my ass and licked in one long slow line from my ass to my clitoris and I came. He held me around my hips while I bucked and writhed, His tongue applying pressure to my clitoris throughout the orgasm until I knew I couldn't stand it for a second longer, I was going to move my arms and push Him away and I was going to swallow and I was going to call Him a name or two, then He stopped. I relaxed against the bed in relief. That just felt too damn good.

He straddled my chest again and told me to open my mouth. His cock was hard and He pushed it between my lips into the hot wetness of His own semen. It oozed out around His cock while He fucked my mouth. W/we were both aware of it spilling from my lips. He came quickly, filling me with fresh semen. He hadn't told me if I could swallow or not so I held it in my mouth again. When He was finished He moved back down to lie on my body again. He kissed my lips and looked at me, hesitating a moment or two before saying 'swallow'. I did and I wrapped my arms around Him. He laughed and told me that He hadn't said I could move my arms but I didn't care. I kissed Him.

He sighed and said He had to go and I sighed and let Him go, but I swear if He had stayed home I would have done anything, anything at all for Him yesterday. I would have fucked Him constantly and all day. I would have done anything to please Him. I was in a completely and utterly submissive state and I would even have been completely happy just to spend the day at His feet. His ownership on me was strong right up until He walked out the door.

This morning W/we woke and He told me He needed to go to a meeting that was mixed up yesterday, but that He would be home within hours and He expected lots of sex. I wrapped my arms around His neck and kissed Him and told Him I would be ready. He smiled at me and said something that meant even more than I love you. But I shan't tell what it was because He would blush.

Sometimes it can be as simple as asking for what I want.

He wants me to have that too.

I dreamt last night of a girl whose collar was carved into the skin of her neck. It fascinated me in a repulsive way. The girl's skin was still raw from the carving but I watched as she explained the intricate knots that had been etched there. She cried while she talked about it as she hadn't wanted the marks to be put on her and when she had finished talking I kissed away her tears and held her. I don't remember anything more than that.

Mac feels I have a need to mother someone, to heal them and care for them, to smother them with love. It can't be Mac. Whenever Mac is injured or there is a problem, He pulls away from me. He doesn't tell me what is wrong, or why it is wrong until the problem is solved. He doesn't believe in a problem shared is a problem halved, unless the problem is mine. He believes that as the Man of the house, His problems belong entirely to Him.

Of course, when it is solved, He will come to me and tell me everything, from the time it started until it was solved and suddenly I will understand why He has been so reserved. In the mean time I have imagined 20 other things it could be, the number one reason of course being me. It is frustrating. It is downright bloody annoying, but I knew this about Him long before W/we became U/us. I knew what it is like to live with because I watched my mother struggle with my father and the same issue for years.

So I try not to struggle with it and give Him whatever space He needs while still giving Him the love I need to give Him. It's like walking a tightrope between smothering Him and pulling away from Him. It is really hard to get right, and I don't get enough feedback from His isolation to know if I have achieved a balance. Yet He calls me a complex creature.

In the dream, the hurt was visible, the problem tangible and I could comfort her with all the love I have. See, I am simple after all.


This is for me.

They lay quietly, almost softly together. She didn't feel like moving in case it disturbed the peace into which they had both retreated. Her body relaxed and she allowed her mind to drift over the past hours they had spent together.

She had felt His need for her the moment He had walked through the door and she had been pleased that He would come for her when He desired release. He had seen her satisfaction and smiled to Himself, knowing that this one took her pleasure in His.

He had not been gentle with her, knowing that she would not expect Him to be so. She did not submit to Him to be put upon a pedestal and handled with care. She submitted to Him because she received no greater pleasure than that which He took in her. She knew the world was hers when she was on her knees by His side.

He had taken His pleasure quickly, forcing His cock deep into her ass. She had known the hot urgency in which He wished to come and had pushed back against Him, tightening her muscles in an effort to bring about His climax. He had spilled inside her as she sucked His tongue and she had quietly grinned as she squeezed His cock and squirmed against Him to make sure He was properly finished.

As He had slid from her and rested back onto His knees she had turned to face Him. He had watched her warily, His slut, who never seemed to be satisfied with bringing Him to one orgasm. She sat in front of Him and let her fingers wander down her body. She took her time, stopping to tease her nipples into full hardness, then slid them along herself spreading her pussy open wide. He could see the wetness of her and he watched carefully as she buried two fingers of her other hand deep inside herself. She moaned low and soft when her fingers were fully inside her, her thumb pressing against her swollen clitoris. She had closed her eyes and let her head fall back as she had slowly fucked herself, knowing that He was watching her. He had let her to build almost to the point of orgasm before He had pulled her hand from her and pushed her onto her back.

He had entered her even as her legs had wrapped tightly around His back. She had met His thrusts with her own and when she came it was hard and harder still as His teeth found her neck and drew blood. He never paused as her body shuddered beneath Him, increasing the force of each thrust as her pussy contracted tightly on His cock. She swore and bucked as His teeth moved to her breasts, marking them with bruises that would remain as reminders of His pleasure for days to come. She found the words to beg Him for His orgasm and He gave it to her, deep inside her. Their tempo changed as she nuzzled into His neck, kissing Him softly as she let herself contract on Him. She had unlocked her legs from His back and He had rolled from her to lie beside her on His back.

She had taken a few minutes then to allow them both to catch their breath, but as the first of Him leaked from her she had moved again, positioning herself over His mouth and spreading herself with her hands. She dripped onto His tongue and He pulled her down on His mouth hard. She screamed as His teeth abused her already sensitive clitoris, her pussy fucked by His tongue. His hand had reached up and found her nipple, pinching it hard as she came again, this time contracting on His tongue over and over. When He had finished with her He had moved His mouth slightly to the freshly waxed skin beside her clitoris and He had marked her hard, a mark that still ached and throbbed as she lay next to Him.

He had pushed her from Him then and she had grinned at Him and licked His cheek where His semen had mixed with her come and fallen on Him. He had growled at her to clean Him and she had gladly moved her mouth to His already hard cock and taken Him into her mouth. She had slowly sucked on Him, the urgency gone. She coaxed His orgasm gently from Him, taking some of His come across her breasts before taking Him back into her mouth and greedily sucking Him dry.

She had then lay beside Him, not wanting to move, savouring the taste of Him on her tongue, the stickiness of Him on her breasts, the heat of Him leaking from her body. Her ass, her pussy and her mouth still ached from His use, her neck, her breasts and her pussy still throbbed from the marks He put upon them.

She felt Him shift slightly and heard His breath slip into that slow gentle pattern of sleep. Suddenly she had a desperate urge to tell Him of everything He meant to her, of everything He gave her and how He made her feel. She turned to Him and pressed her body against His side. Her movement roused Him from the doze He had fallen into and His hand come up to caress her cheek. He felt her hesitant smile beneath His hand and He turned onto his side to face her. She looked into His beautiful blue eyes and then lowered her own, bowing her head even as they lay beside each other. He smiled and waited for whatever it was that she felt the urge to say. She struggled with the words inside her head and eventually all she could find was one.

He just barely heard her whisper 'Thankyou.'

He tucked a finger under her chin and raised her face to His. He kissed her forehead, her eyes, the tip of her nose and finally her lips. Soft, gentle kisses. She knew that He had understood. He wrapped His arm around her, pulling her closer to Him.

'Now sleep,' He ordered and she closed her eyes and felt herself flying. She smiled in contentment. She knew He was flying too.

I did go to Mac yesterday. After I had posted I went to His study and stood next to His desk, shifting from foot to foot like a nervous child.

'What's up?' He asked.
'Can I kneel beside You for a while?'
'Is something wrong?'

Ouch. That grazed me. It has been so long since I have knelt beside Him that He wondered if something was wrong to make me seek shelter there. In a way I guess He was right. There was something wrong, but it wasn't something I was hiding from, just something I needed.

W/we talked. I asked Him to read the post and He did. He understood that I needed to indulge my submissive side. The memory of O/our sex made Him throb. He asked me if it had made me throb too. It had.

'Kneel then, and pleasure Me.'

I did as I was told. I used my tongue and my hands and my knowledge of what He likes to bring Him to orgasm in my mouth. When He came I didn't swallow, just let His semen ooze from my mouth as He pushed into me again and again. He moaned. I smiled up at Him with my eyes. When He withdrew I followed His cock with my tongue, trying to win it back. He grinned at me. He called it lovely sex, very nourishing and He was right, it felt good all over. It fed U/us both.

He told me He had to go to the office and I would have let Him go, but the sight of His girl kneeling with His semen still hot on her breasts was a little too much for Him. He used me again. This time I found myself filled with two dildos while He told me of His desire to see me in stockings and stilettos. I came and came and came. Then I came a few times more. He played with me until He was ready to come again, then His cock replaced the dildo in my ass and He came inside me again.

W/we talked some more and then I had to hurry Him up so that He wouldn't be any later than He already was. He left without feeling any of the guilt I had been putting on Him. I didn't feel any of the frustration either. It was nice.

After He was gone I got dressed to go out and pick up a few things. I put on a skirt and low cut top, stockings and high heels (though not stilettos) then I did something I haven't done in the longest time. I left Mac a voice message telling Him exactly what I was wearing, and that I was wearing it for Him.

When I got home I left Him another message, letting Him know I was here. An hour later His car pulled up out the front and I quickly preened myself and went to stand on the stairs so that He would see me when He first walked in. He opened the door and looked me over.

'Shoes.' He said and I looked at my feet and gasped because I had forgotten to put my shoes back on. I raced back up the stairs and Mac followed. I went to my room and grabbed the shoes out from under my desk and put them on my feet. I could hear Him in O/our bedroom.

'Lipstick.' He called out. 'Red.'

I went to the bathroom and grabbed the red lipstick and took it with me to the bedroom. I had a feeling He wanted it for more than just my lips. He had pulled the chair over to the end of the bed and He relaxed in it and told me to sit on the end of the bed. I pulled the skirt up and sat with my legs apart so that He could see my pussy. He told me to pull my top down and I slipped the straps of my bra off my shoulders and bared my breasts to Him. I slowly painted my nipples red.

He said He wanted my lips red too and I quickly complied. I was breathless with lust. Shaking with need. He looked at me and licked His lips.

'Whore.' He hissed. I wanted Him so badly.

He stood and undid His pants. His cock was huge and pulsing and never had it been so desired. He told me to kneel and I did and He ran the head of His cock over my lips, mixing the precum with my lipstick, smearing it across my face. I parted my lips and He slid inside me to rest on my tongue.

Then His phone rang. W/we both looked at the drawers it was sitting on.

'Ignore it.' He decided.

Then the doorbell rang. He looked at me. I thought about it.

'Delivery men,' I said. 'The dining setting and the hutch.'

W/we both sighed and He zipped up His pants and grabbed for the phone and took it with Him to get the door while I ducked into the bathroom to make repairs before heading downstairs to have things put where I wanted. They were still unpacking the hutch when Mac came back downstairs carrying His briefcase. W/we smiled at each other wryly.

He pulled me aside and kissed me deeply.

'Thankyou,' He said and I smiled at His smile. 'Little slut.' W/we both grinned. I knew He wouldn't be home before I went to bed so I kissed Him again and told Him that I hoped I filled His thoughts. I was still shaking when He left. I wanted Him so much.

I don't know what time He got home. He didn't wake me when He did, but this morning W/we made up for yesterday's interruptions and it was delicious sex, but W/we couldn't recapture the intensity of yesterday.

Don't you just hate it when life gets in the way of what you know is going to be mind blowing sex?

I do.

Self-destructive. That is something that I am. I can cause myself great pain and misery just with my perception of things around me. I can bring about the end by imagining it so. I can force His hand into waving goodbye because I am convinced that is what He wants so that is the direction I push Him. Away. It tires U/us both.

O/our conversations of late have been more like two friends meeting across a table, than of two lovers who touch each other's souls. It will take work and effort to get U/us back to the connection W/we once had. I know that Mac doesn't have the time or inclination to work at it, so I need to make it so that He doesn't realise He is putting in effort. That's ok, because the work in bringing U/us together was always done by me. It never feels much like work anyway, it just feels right. It is His job to slay the corporate beasts. It is mine to keep O/our love strong.

Some weeks ago, I asked Mac to accept my deeper submission. He did and then I promptly took it away. I withdrew from Him in the fear that I would burden Him. I was afraid that I would become too hard to love. That wasn't fair. Mac would never have accepted if it wasn't something He wanted. He never would have said yes if He weren't prepared. And I am much harder to love when I am hiding who I am.

I haven't knelt by His side in what feels like such a long time. I haven't felt the deep contentment of being His for a long time either. I haven't felt the thrill of being His good girl, of pleasing Him, of feeling Him stroke my soul. I have lost my sense of peace and I am willing to do anything to have that back. The scariest thing is that the only thing I have to do is be me.

I remember back to the beginning of U/us, when W/we first went to a party as a couple instead of two friends that met up there. I remember being so afraid of what people would think, of what everyone was saying of how they were judging U/us to be. I overheard things like 'it won't last' 'she is good for His ego' 'He will tire of her quickly enough' and I spent most of the night hiding behind Him when all He wanted was for me to shine. He sent me from the room to find somewhere that W/we would not be disturbed. I went outside and He followed and He told me to stop pouting and pulled me around to the side of the house.

I have written here of a memory, the silences and the things W/we said are as true then as they are now. It is how W/we were and how W/we should be. It is how W/we love.

She lent forward and braced herself against the wall like a common dockyard whore. He positioned Himself behind her and casually lifted her skirt. Nothing was said between them, nothing needed to be. She knew what was expected of her, what He wanted, and she wanted to give it to Him. She slid her hand between her legs and held herself open for Him and He simply pushed His cock inside her.

She was wet and slippery, ready to accept Him as always. He marvelled at His girl, the obvious thrill she took in pleasing Him, giving Him whatever He wanted, whenever He wanted it. He thrust into her again and He felt her clench herself against Him.

'Whore,' He growled at her. 'Bitch. Cunt. Slut.'

He could not see the wicked grin that filled her face with delight. Or the way she bit at her lip to keep from crying out. He did however see her arch her back and He felt her muscles grip at His cock with greater urgency, her need becoming desperate. Her mind repeated His words over and over, becoming a chant as she fucked Him. 'His whore. His bitch. His cunt. His slut.'

'More,' she whispered throatily. 'Please give me more?'

He dug His fingers into her hips and she whimpered as He grunted and ground His cock deeper into her. She squirmed back against Him forcing Him inside her even deeper again. She contracted her muscles in rhythmic spasms, almost drawing the semen from Him. He heard her begging Him,

'God baby come, please come, please fill me with You'

His grunts changed to growls and He came in gushing spurts and her whimpers turned to delighted gurgles as she felt His semen fill her. She kept tightening against Him as His cock softened inside her and she cooed softly to herself as He slid from her.

She stood and turned and kissed His lips softly. Her hands gently slid along His now soft cock, playing in the stickiness they had left on it. Her tongue nudged His lips apart and slipped quietly into His mouth. She kissed Him deeply and they both felt His cock throb in her hands.

'God' He exclaimed.
'Nah,' she whispered quietly. 'Just Your girl.'

He chuckled at her and she shone for Him. She kissed Him along His jaw line and found His mouth again.

'Mmm,' He murmured to her softly. 'We have to get back.'

He felt her move to kneel before Him and He reached to stop her. She pouted at Him and He grinned and pulled her to Him. He slid His arms around her and gently bit her lip.

'I want to feel you on my cock. You may clean me later. Possibly.' He shrugged.

She smiled contentedly and He let her go and helped her straighten her skirt. He slid His hand up her inner thigh and was surprised at the amount of wetness that had already leaked down her legs.

'God' He exclaimed again. This time she just smiled. He brought His hand to her mouth and allowed her to lick it clean. He offered it to her and she held it with her own. He led her through the doorway and she followed Him happily.

Before they joined the others He turned to her and raised her hand inside of His.
'Don't let go, little one.' He whispered.

She felt her heart grow wings.

He took great delight in watching her fly.

On Saturday, Mac and I discussed what I would have done if I had found an alpha male while out on Friday night. What would I have done if there had been a male there that all the other women wanted, that had looked at me, teased me, sparred with me and then ignored me? What would I have done if when he was finished, he had turned to me and said, 'come, wench, take My hand, I am going to use you now for My delight'? How would I cope with that?

I would like to say I would say no to him. I would love to admit that no one would turn my head from Mac. But I would be lying. If there were one that arrogant, that confident in his ability to be what I needed, I would follow him. At anytime during O/our friendship, had Mac said those words to me I would have followed Him. It was almost an unspoken agreement between U/us that I was His to take at any time He desired, even when I belonged to other men. It didn't mean that I didn't love the ones that I was with, because I did love them. I just longed to be Mac's.

The men I was with at the time probably were more aware of it than I was. They were always jealous of Mac while I was just aware of a dull ache that He left in my stomach. I knew how hard I punished myself when I had disappointed Him, I knew I tried hard to impress Him, I knew that the rest of the world seemed to take a back seat when He was around, but I wasn't in love with Him. Not me. No. Never.

When I belonged to Him, Mac told me He had always known that I would be His if He wanted it to be so. He told me He treated me much more gently than He would treat anyone else because He knew that if He pushed, I would do anything for Him and it would have hurt me to leave the one that I was in love with at the time. And He was right, is right. If at any time He would have said 'come, take My hand,' I would have left everything else behind. I would have fallen gratefully into His lust and not given anyone else another thought until He was sated. If there were another who knew how to do that, if I ever met a man that can do to me the things that Mac does, that knew how to get under my skin, I would do the same.

In the time that I have known Mac, there has never been another man that has made me desire him in the way Mac did and does. The world still slips away when He is near me. I lose track of time and I have no clue what others are talking about. I am still hypnotised by His masculinity, still powerless to His desire. He only has to stand next to me and I feel weak, smile at me and I turn to jelly. I love Him so much.

Sometimes I wonder what that makes me. Who am I that I would hurt anyone and everyone to cater to His lust? Who was I that His girlfriend wouldn't have mattered? That the man I love wouldn't have mattered? Who am I that I could be turned from Mac? What sort of person am I that love is not enough to keep me here? What sort of person am I that would follow another?

Saturday He asked me if I would tell Him if there was one that made me ache. I told Him I would. There is no point to U/us if I am not honest with Him. He agreed. I wanted to ask Him what He would do, but I already know. He would tell me to go to the other man. He would tell me that when I was finished with him, He may still be around, but He would doubt it. He would not fight for me. There would be no great clash of swords for the honour of the fair maiden, not because I am not worth fighting for, but because sometimes if you have to fight for something, it probably isn't yours.

He asked me if I really wanted to find another. The answer is yes and no. It frightens me beyond belief to know that there could be one out there that I would give up everything for, and yet the thought of it excites me too. Sometimes when I am lying in His arms, I feel like everything is perfect and that is something that I never want to lose.

Perhaps I just like to scare myself.

Perhaps I just don't know.

Dear Matthew, I ache to be your captive. I wish I was your little bird, but you already have one to play with. You say that you have loved others, tell me Matthew, could I be someone that you love? There are parts of me that already love you.

For those of you who haven't met Matthew, perhaps you should. Matthew is one of the characters in remittance girl's short story Divestiture. It is written in blog form so start in the archives and work your way back to the latest post.

Mac knows I fall in love with men in movies and in stories. He knows I fall in love with girls too. He knows I laugh with them and cry with them. I suffer through their defeats and celebrate their triumphs. He also knows that I believe in fairies and He is ok with that. In fact, I think it makes Him love me more.

I have been thinking about rugby players. I have a thing for them. I have a huge thing for them. There is something about being in a room full of rugby players that makes me feel so very small. Tiny. Petite. At any moment any one of them could crush me into nothingness. It always leaves me so breathlessly wet to be around men like that.

I wrote this fantasy about what it could be like to be the after game entertainment. The girl that is used to drain them of the build up of testosterone. I don't want them after they have showered. I want them fresh from the game, still with the dirt on their hands. I want them the roughest they can be. Rugby players. Mmmmm.


She knelt upon the hard concrete floor and tried not to stare too much as they milled about the room around her. She could smell them, the smell of real men, of sweat and dirt and adrenaline. She wanted them. She wanted them all. Her stomach clenched at the thought that He would let them have her.

There was no gentleness to the hands that placed her easily in position over a man lying on his back. His cock pressed against her ass and she squirmed and wriggled to help him enter her, gasping as he did. She was pulled down so her back was pressed against his stomach, her ass still full of his cock. She felt another press against her pussy and her breath caught in her throat. She knew what was going to happen and still she grunted as he entered her, making her feel as though she was being split open. She cried out to murmurs of appreciation around her. She felt them both start to move inside her and opened her mouth to moan only to have a cock thrust inside it, her hair held tightly by a hand. She turned her head further to better accommodate this new intrusion as the feeling of fullness overwhelmed her. Her muscles were contracting tightly and she tried to concentrate on bringing each of the men inside her to orgasm. She felt a mouth upon her breast and her hand reached out for where the cock should be followed quickly with the same on the other side. She suddenly knew none of her body belonged to herself. She had given herself totally over to His control.

She let herself react to each of the sensations inside her, willing her body to be as pleasing as it could be. She heard the man beneath her groan and spill into her ass as the cock in her mouth spurted inside her. She concentrated on finishing each properly contracting her muscles as she did her best to swallow. The male in her pussy pulsed inside her and groaned as she pulled the last of the semen from the man in her ass. The cocks in her hands were released briefly as her position was changed to take three more men. She bucked and writhed against each as once more she was filled. She heard another man groan and knew from the hot spurts across her tits that another male had come. Her hand was not left empty for long. She was not given any respite even when her own body shuddered in orgasm, each becoming more intense causing her to cry out, sometimes muffled by the cock in her mouth. Each of her cries was met with more excitement from those around her. At some time during the night He pulled her to Him from where she lay and asked her if she had had enough. She looked at Him still drunk on lust and asked for more.

She shuddered and writhed and screamed some more as men came back to have her again. Her ass ached and her pussy throbbed, her mouth was sore from the constant abuse and her tits were red and bruised and covered in come and still she accepted more men inside her. She whimpered and she cried and she bought them to orgasm then took some more. Even after He called a stop to the use of her ass and pussy she knelt and sucked and jerked and showered herself in some more.

The room had quietened considerably when she suddenly realised that she was no longer being used. She jumped and struggled against the arms around her. He whispered to her softly. Soothing words that calmed her and she relaxed back against Him. She felt the roughness of a blanket against her skin and she wondered how long she had been sitting in His lap. She didn't remember being moved from the floor or being wrapped in the blanket. She realised that she ached all over, a dull warm ache that filled her with contentment but something deep inside her wanted more. She struggled up to see His eyes.
'Enough' He said simply before she had even asked. 'You have pleased me, slut.'

She saw He meant it and she snuggled back into His chest. He held her tightly against Him. She loved Him more than she thought she could.

If you scroll down my links list, you will come across a Kinky Weblog Award. This was sent to me by nicki from A slave's Heart in appreciation of my blog. I would like to thank nicki very much for this honour.

I went out because I miss the interaction. I went out because I was looking for some fun. I wanted to find someone who could make my nipples ache, my pussy muscles clench, my mind wander. I went out because Mac wasn't home again and Friday nights are hell when you are on your own.

I sat with friends. The ones I knew would be there. We talked and we laughed and we had a good time. There was no flirting with them. It is hard to impress people that know you so well. Besides the inevitable 'Where's Mac?' dampened any fun that started there.

I cruised the bar, looking for a set of eyes that didn't turn away. I was definitely hunting, but for what? Sex? Nah, I can get that anytime. Dominance? In a way, because I crave that like a thirst. What I really wanted was desire, I wanted to be wanted. I wanted to feel his lust. I wanted him to take me to a point where my hunger was such that I wanted to kneel before him and beg him to take me home. I wanted someone that would tell me no. I wasn't looking for someone to go home with. I wanted to ache for something I can't have.

Mac always used to be the one to tell me no. He could make my nipples harden with a casual glance and force my muscles to clench with just a word or two. He played me like a well-tuned instrument. No, more like an orchestra, bringing forth the responses from each section that He required. He used me as His toy, taking me to the very edge and letting me dangle my feet over, but never allowing me to fall. He told me once it was the dance that made the night worthwhile. He wasn't interested in the ride home.

So dance W/we did, often and decadently, enjoying each other's responses. He always sent me home alone. I wanted that again.

I went home disappointed. There was no one there that could hold my gaze let alone someone there that knew how to dance. I trudged up the stairs and headed towards my room when I noticed Mac slouched against the doorway of His study. I jumped, both from the surprise of Him being there and from the tiny thread of guilt that ran through my mind. I felt so naked under His gaze. My nipples hardened.

'So,' He said quietly. 'Did you find what you were looking for?' He shifted to slouch more comfortably.

How the bloody hell could He know? Am I that transparent?
'No' I whispered staring at the floor. He chuckled.

'Didn't think you would.' A pause. 'Well I have work to do, don't stay up too late. You are still not sleeping right. I want you in bed soon.'

My muscles clenched.

'Will You come to bed too?' I asked hopefully.
'When I am ready to I will, girl.'

My muscles clenched again. He turned away to go back to the desk. I watched Him move, wanting Him, needing Him, knowing what He would say.

'Mac?' I asked tentatively and my breath caught in the moment He turned back to face me. He can still do that to me.

'Sarah?' He answered while His blue eyes sparkled.

'You still make me ache for You.'

He took a moment to drink me in, His eyes darting over my breasts, to my groin, the length of my skirt, my stockinged legs and high heels before returning to the desire etched upon my face.

'I know.' He said and turned away again to sit at His desk.

Bastard.

I love You so much.

I had a dream!

No, that is not a political statement. I really did have a dream. It was so weird I just have to share it. For those that don't know, Ben is one of Mac's long time friends.

I was lying on my back looking up at the outside wall of a church. Mac was sitting beside me, talking on His phone and watching me. My hand was in my panties playing with my clitoris and there were people all around U/us but they were looking at the paintings on the outside of the church. The paintings were of clouds and people dressed in old-fashioned clothing walking down a dirt road.

Further down a little hill there were more people sitting in the park. They were all just sitting around and talking, like they were waiting for something to happen. I was still playing with myself when Mac hung up the phone and smiled at me. He told me to get up and start running. I didn't know what was going on but I stood up and Mac reached into His bag and pulled out a toy AK47. I knew it was a toy, but I realised that other people wouldn't know and so I started laughing and I ran into the crowded park. Mac followed, walking calmly with the gun slung over His shoulder. People started to scream and Mac pulled the gun down and started firing.

I was laughing so hard I was crying. People were running everywhere and soon I couldn't see or hear Mac. I made it to the other side of the park and I collapsed on the ground. My phone rang and I picked it up knowing it was Mac. Before He even spoke I said 'I didn't get to come for You.' The person on the other end hung up and I lay back on the ground.

Suddenly Ben jumped over me, straddling my tummy. He had a toy pistol in His hand and I knew I was the captive. He leaned down close to my face and said 'God Sarah, when you said you didn't get to come for me, you made my cock throb.' I grinned at His desire.

'Quick,' he said. 'The cops will be here soon. We have to get to the hotel and meet up with Mac. He will be pissy that I won.'

He pulled me to my feet and we ran across the road to a hotel and he took me to a room and pulled me through the door after him. I thought it was all so funny. When we were inside Ben pushed me back onto the bed and I bounced on it happily. He climbed over me and my clitoris started to throb. His jeans were undone and all he had to do was pull up my skirt and push aside my panties and enter me, and he did.

I wound my legs around his waist and my fingers in his hair. I sighed happily as my clitoris continued to throb. Mac came in and I arched back to take Ben in further. Mac climbed across the bed and laid down beside us, watching us fuck. Mac stroked my cheek and when I turned to look at Him, He kissed me, long and deep, then turned my head back to Ben and I kissed Ben long and deep too. Mac whispered in my ear, 'Christ, I love it when my girl's cunt is full of cock.'

I came then, in my sleep. My muscles contracted, my tummy fluttered and I woke lying on my back and panting up at the ceiling. I looked over at Mac and He was still sleeping so I ducked into the bathroom so that I could make myself come again, a proper, fuller orgasm. I wanted to do it in the shower because (I am blushing now) I have discovered that when I masturbate in the shower I can 'bare down' during orgasm, or in other words, I can push all my muscles out. This is not always a good idea in bed because the chances of wetting yourself are high (right now Mac is thinking 'too much information') and neither Mac nor I are into water-sports. So I shower and I bare down and the intensity of the orgasm is such that I have collapsed on the shower floor and been too afraid to put my legs together in case it caused friction on my clitoris and I couldn't take any more. Even an hour or two afterwards, any touching of that area sends icy shivers up my spine. I feel raw and walking is delicious agony and even sitting here right now I have my legs apart so that my clitoris is not tormented. God it just feels so good. So damn good. Almost too good.

Now I want to go and do it again.

By the way, I woke at some god-awful time last night to a growly Welsh voice whispering in my ear, 'Sarah, I want to fuck.' He came quickly. His consolation for this was that I came even quicker than Him.

Yes. I will have to change the sheets today.

Quick update on Christine for those of you that are interested. When I called to thank her shortly but politely for the flowers, (I couldn't just ignore them) she told me that she was having a lump removed from her breast. I mentioned this to Mac. He smiled and said that He knew a stunt was looming. It's awful to not believe her, because what if she is telling the truth? It's just that, well, it happens all the time.

When Mac and I started dating, for a few months W/we kept it a secret, because W/we didn't want interference from people outside. Mac and I needed to work out U/us with each other before everyone else was allowed to intrude. Of course this meant I had to say no to Christine a lot. I wouldn't be going out with her, I wouldn't be here, there or anywhere else, I made lame excuses because I was staying in with Mac. She knew they were lame. So she asked what she had done wrong. When I told her nothing, she told me she was having a breast lump removed. I was sorry and contrite and promised to be a better friend. It turned out to be benign.

When I told her Mac and I were dating, she miscarried the next day. No one had known she was pregnant. There have been other illnesses, each one during a time when she perceived that I was backing away from our friendship. I asked Mac if I was cynical. He said that I have cause to be in this case.

So I am keeping a wary distance. I offered sympathy but no support. I gave well wishes but no advice. When she asked about getting together, I explained that I didn't know what was on Mac's agenda and that is the truth, though I know I could work around it if I had a mind too. The thing is, illness or not, I don't want to be her friend anymore. I don't know if that makes me a very nice person, but I feel better for it so for now that's the way it has to be.

Yesterday Mac and were sitting at the table eating breakfast and discussing sex (yes that is normal breakfast time routine for U/us) when He told me that my orgasm makes Him come. He said He adores me for being so helplessly easy to bring to orgasm, and that He loved the way I moan and gasp and whimper. I smiled and blushed. He told me that He wanted to make me come now and so W/we made O/our way back up to the bedroom. He knelt and had me lay on my back and He pulled me up His thighs and entered my ass slowly and patiently. Then He filled my pussy with a dildo and played with my clitoris. I moaned and I gasped and I whimpered and I came quickly and noisily and hard. He took the plastic cock from my pussy and gave it to me and told me to suck it and suck it I did. I devoured it, pushing it down my throat, sucking, licking, caressing, nuzzling, slipping it in and out. I enjoyed myself with it, I enjoyed myself noisily with it and Mac told me that if I didn't stop it He was going to come. So I sucked and moaned louder and enjoyed myself more. Mac didn't have a hope in hell.

He rocked His hips into me and He roared as He came and I grinned up at Him, my satisfaction complete. He growled at me and told me I was wicked. I laughed at Him and told Him He loved it. He grinned and I kissed Him and He got up and got Himself ready for work while I lazed about and watched Him. He called me a slug and I told Him He was jealous and it was nice to have that silly banter back again.

And the new bed is supposed to come today, new sheets and new pillows are just waiting to be used. I have a theory that fresh sheets are an aphrodisiac to Men, because you can guarantee that the day you change the sheets will the day He wants messy noisy dirty sex and the sheets will need to be changed again. Or is that just Mac?

You know, maybe I should change the sheets everyday.

I wouldn't mind the extra washing.

I woke late yesterday morning. I was exhausted from spending the afternoon/evening with Emma. I will also admit to having a lot of trouble sleeping of late. I wake in the middle of the night and cant get back to sleep. Monday night was no exception despite the amount of lovemaking Emma and I had done.

So I woke late and Mac wasn't in O/our bed. I looked at the time and I thought that He might already be gone but I got up and went looking for Him anyway. He was in the kitchen eating marmite on toast and drinking tea. W/we said good morning and started talking stuff, like any ordinary couple does at the breakfast table. We talked about desserts and the playgroups He went to as a child and of course rugby, there was a logical thread to these conversations, but I cant for the life of me remember what it was. When it came to a conclusion, as these things do, I asked Mac what His plans were for the day and He outlined a busy day of contracts and meetings and interviews and more contracts and meetings. I smiled at Him. He then pointed out that He had meant to be on His way twenty minutes ago but He was frittering His planned morning away talking to me.

'So,' I said. 'I guess fucking you is out of the question.'
'Well...' He gave it two seconds thought. 'W/we could fuck if you liked.'

I was a little shocked. First of all that sounded like a yes and second of all, "if I liked?" What was that? It's not like I have ever said no to Him. One day a long time ago (maybe as far back as two weeks) Mac and I were talking about sex. He said that the way to get a girl to please you was to fuck her from behind with your finger on her clitoris. The idea was to make her come and come and come until she was so grateful that she wanted to please you. She wanted to wrap her legs around you and tangle her fingers in your hair, she wanted to thrust her tongue into your mouth and drag the orgasm from you. I must have been looking at Him funnily because He quickly added, "except with girls like you." My sexual pleasure has never been a high priority with Mac and even He will tell you that He has never been as sexually selfish as He is in O/our relationship.

Of course there are times that He actively sets out to make me come, but even those times are simply because that is what He wants to do.

I blinked when He asked if I wanted to and I asked if I had ever said no. He laughed.

'Upstairs,' He ordered. 'Naked, I don't have long. Now!'

I calmly got up from the table and walked lady like up the stairs. (Ok I bolted up there like a rat up a drainpipe, sighs.) He laughed at my enthusiasm. I expected a quick over the bed fucking but I was in for a surprise. He started to undress completely and I knew He had something more in mind. He undid His pants and His cock sprang free. It was huge and swollen and throbbing. He told me that it hadn't been that way when W/we were talking, it only started to throb when I asked if W/we could fuck. I giggled and told Him He was easy. He grinned slyly at me and told me He would show me easy.

He pushed me onto the bed, shifting me into the middle of it then He climbed over me and straddled my chest. He slapped me once then He gripped my hair in both His hands and slid His cock into my mouth. He fucked me like it was my pussy. I choked and He didn't stop until He was ready to. He pulled out and slapped my face again, using both hands to slap me, one side then the other. Over and over again. I started to cry. He slid down my body until He was kneeling between my legs and He thrust His cock into me deeply.

I came, convulsing on His cock. He rode out my orgasm inside me, enjoying the sensations on His cock. He leant down close to my ear and whispered coolly, 'Now which of U/us is easy, bitch?' I grinned at Him through my tears.

He brought His cock back to my mouth, covered in my juices. He slid up further so my mouth was at His balls. I was told to lick while He took my hand and tied it to the rope that W/we keep tied to the bed. One hand one side, the other hand the other side, my arms were spread across the bed. His cock had smeared my juices across my face. He lay over me, and licked my cheek.

'You are mine now, and I can do with you whatever I please.'

I shuddered and a slow lazy smile spread across His face causing me to shudder again. He wasn't in a hurry anymore.

He used me as He wished. He used me for His pleasure. He covered me in teeth marks and bruised me with the switch. He made me bleed. He pulled my hair and His nails bit into my skin. I cried for Him to never stop. I screamed at Him for more. He took me to the place He wanted me to be and took my orgasm from me and then He dragged me back to Him so He could do it again. I tasted my blood. I tasted my come. I tasted His precum and when He had had enough He pushed His cock into my throat and filled me with His semen. I pulled against my restraints until my fingers went numb. I wanted to push Him away, I wanted to pull Him to me harder, I came and came and came and never wanted to stop.

When I had given Him all I could and He had given me all He had He released me. I curled into a ball. He kissed my cheek and stroked my body and told me that He had to go. I didn't care. I didn't want His comfort. I just wanted to sleep. I snuggled up to His pillow and sleep I did. Hours of it. I slept until He called and woke me to find out if I was all right. I told Him I was starving and hung up to find some food. I found some juice and gulped it down then wandered back up the stairs and fell asleep. I woke again later to find some food and have a bath and that exhausted me enough to sleep again. When Mac got home I was grateful that He had already eaten and I stayed awake long enough to snuggle in His lap and tell Him I was going to bed and I crawled back under the covers and back to sleep I went.

They say that the body needs to sleep to heal. Was I healing? I am not sure, but I felt I needed that sleep more than I have needed anything in a long time and I needed the release He gave me to get the sleep. Today I feel centred, calm and complete. I ache in places and some of the bruises are visible, on my breasts, on my wrists and on my neck. They will quickly fade.

I keep thinking back over it and reliving it in my mind. It wasn't hard and it wasn't scary. I never am afraid of Mac. I trust Him with my life. There was no pushing of limits and nothing that W/we hadn't done before. The whole time I was on the verge of coming, or actually coming or recovering from the orgasm I just had. It was decadent and delicious and the focus was not on the pain, not on hurting, but on the pleasure W/we gave and took in each other. The rough sex was just the means that W/we used to get there.

I think if Mac was interested in pushing my limits, in making me feel the pain, in making me fear Him, I would start to question the line between consent and abuse. If I ever said enough and He didn't stop, if I ever told Him it hurt and He ignored me, I would question His love for me. I am His. I belong to Him. He should want to protect me with all He has and all He is and if He failed me when I needed it, when I was at my most vulnerable, it would take a hell of a lot to build the trust in Him again.

I worry that some women want to give this to their man. At times in the past Mac has said that men who want to hurt women shouldn't be allowed near them and in an effort to be liked by everyone, I have failed to support that belief. I should be true to myself and not to popular demand. I am supposed to be honest. I would like to say I am sorry, both to Mac and to the people that read me. You don't have to agree with what I say. I am sure there are those out there that don't. The thing is, I don't want people to think that I hurt to please Mac. He doesn't force me to accept the pain. It is His gift to me, not the other way around. I hope I never ever wake up next to Him and have to tell Him that it was too much. I am not sure that W/we could come back from that.

My thighs are already sticky today.

I know it is going to be a good day.

Shimmer also asked me for some questions and with me moving and her away on holidays and an illness in between, we finally managed to get them done. Shimmer's answers are here. Her answers were beautifully honest. Thankyou shimmer.

Yesterday.

She bounced down the stairs and into the kitchen, full of excitement of what the day held. Family, friends, laughter and of course, chocolate. She found Him sitting at the kitchen table, looking more relaxed than He had in a long time. She slinked over to Him and He smiled at her lazily, pushing His chair back so that she could sit on His lap.

She surprised Him by straddling Him, pulling her skirt up so that she could open her legs wide enough to surround His. He grinned at her lust and the way her eyes devoured Him. She pulled His shirt up and over His head. He didn't protest and her fingers ran lithely over His muscles. She frowned at the weight He had lost, the lack of time in the gym obvious to her. He kissed away the frown.

Her hands reached the top of His jeans and played over His groin. She started to undo them and He grabbed her arms, pinning them to her side, stopping her progress.

'What do you want?' He asked, the thickness of arousal already noticeable in His voice. She blushed and turned away.
'Tell me' He demanded and she looked at the floor and wished that it would open and swallow her up.

Why was this so hard for her to do? Why couldn't she just say the words He wanted to hear? She thought of many times she had His cock in her mouth and His semen dripping from her chin. She thought of many times that He fucked her, that He ass-fucked her, that He fucked her tits. She thought of the many times He had watched her fuck her way through a room full of men, enjoying their lust and pleasure. He had seen her be such a dirty little cumslut. It was just silly that she couldn't say what she wanted from Him now.

'Tell me.' He demanded again and she closed her eyes and hid her face in His neck.
'I want Your cock,' she whispered. 'And I want Your semen too.'

He chuckled at her and slid a hand under her chin forcing her to look at Him.

'That's not what I expected, but it will do for now,' He said and He kissed her slowly and deeply, making her catch her breath.

Her fingers went back to His groin and she released His tumescent cock from His jeans. She embraced it with her hands, enjoying the softness of the skin and the hardness beneath. Her fingers jolted along the shaft and she knew she needed lubrication to make it nice and smooth. She wriggled further up His lap and positioned herself so that she could almost take Him inside.

His cock was used to caress herself, teasing both of them by sliding along her wetness. She used her fingers to encourage her juices to slide down His shaft. She pushed just the head of Him inside her and squeezed her muscles before taking Him out again.

And the whole time they kissed, their tongues fighting for purchase in each other's mouths. She stroked His cock again, her fingers sliding smoothly along her own juices. He moaned and she sucked on His tongue and timed the movement of her hands to the sucking. He growled and she whispered to Him, begging Him for His come. His hands cupped her face and drew her lips to His again. She felt His cock pulse beneath her fingers as He thrust His tongue back into her mouth.

She continued to stroke Him through His orgasm, aware of His semen landing on His tummy, on her tummy, on her skirt and over her fingers. His body tensed and shuddered and she gurgled in delight at the pleasure He was feeling, gently kissing His breathless lips until His orgasm released Him.

He pulled her into His chest and stroked her hair while He caught His breath. She nuzzled into His neck, kissing and licking Him, whispering that she loved Him. She felt His smile.

'So tell me girl,' He murmured when He had calmed, 'what is it that you really wanted?'
She smiled and pulled back from His chest to look at Him.
'To please You, Baby.'
He grinned.
'That is something that you never fail to do, little one. You never ever fail to do.'

And later on they shared their table, their laughter and their love with the people that matter to them the most.

It was a truly beautiful day.

So yesterday while bed shopping, Mac decided that He needs a hammer drill. Fair enough. A man should own some power tools. Now I should at this moment point out that one of the first things that Mac did when W/we moved in here was buy Himself an electric hedge cutter for the orchard. I think He actually had it going for about 3 seconds before He managed to cut through the electric wire. That's ok. It can happen to anyone. He then thought He should fix it Himself. I mean how hard can it be? Right?

Now I am not quite sure how He managed this, but I do need to tell you what happened just so you all know what I am dealing with. He somehow managed to rewire it so that the safety switch is now the on switch and the on switch is the safety switch. He has nicknamed them Killer and can't wait to see what happens when someone asks to borrow them. (Yes, I do worry about Him.)

Now He needs a hammer drill. I shan't tell you why He needs a drill yet. I shall save that little gem for later in the post. First let's get to the buying of this drill. As a little girl I spent a lot of time in my dad's workshop. My dad had actually done three years of a four-year apprenticeship for carpentry before the guy he was working for went broke and my dad had to change careers. He never lost his love of working with wood and I spent many hours watching him. Because of this I know a little bit about power tools and I know how to use them, but they are not my most favourite thing in the world so I have never really bothered with them.

Mac on the other hand was always too busy playing with a rugby ball to be bothered with such tedious things as machinery. Mac's brother and father are quite capable of stripping down a car engine and putting it back together in a morning during which time Mac would still be wandering around trying to work out how to open the bonnet.

So I hoped that He would listen to my advice when choosing His new drill. I really did hope. W/we found the drills and while I started reading the specs of each drill, He started opening boxes. I did my best to ignore Him, reading off the things I thought were important. After He had been through most of the shelf He pulled out another one, held it up with something akin to love in His eyes and announced 'THIS ONE!' I looked at Him wondering why He would choose that one.

'Well,' He said, looking around at the other people in the aisle, 'this one looks the most like an AK47.' I am sure one or two of the men nodded. I looked at the ceiling and counted slowly to ten. I couldn't talk Him out of it. So now in His garden shed He has a pair of hedge cutters called Killer and a hammer drill that looks like an AK47. He thinks this is perfectly normal. (I REALLY worry about Him.)

As for why He suddenly needed a hammer drill, well, much to my horror and fear, Mac has decided that He wants to build a barbeque down near my orchard. Now I have never been able to talk Mac out of anything once He has made up His mind to do it, so I am resigned to the fact that He will try and build this barbeque. I love this Man, but quiet frankly the idea of Him building something that He will then set on fire down near my orchard scares the life out of me. It's not that I don't believe He can do it. I actually know that He can't. This is a man that has never built anything in His life. He doesn't believe in building things. He believes in paying people to build things. I have no clue why He has decided to do this. I think the fresh air is getting to Him.

Of course the bonus to this is that I get to sit in the garden all day and watch Him work with His hands, shirt off, sweating, dirty, mmmmmm. Still, I am not sure I am willing to pay with the orchard. I will let you all know how it goes.

Last night I threw a tantrum. Well as close to a tantrum as I have thrown in a long time. After W/we went shopping He went to the office to do some work He didn't get home until after midnight. I had taped a message to His desk telling Him that I wasn't coping real well and that I was trying to get it back under control.

I got out of bed when I heard Him moving around the study. He asked me what I was doing up. I just looked at Him. He asked what I wasn't coping with and I told Him that I knew that He has been busy, but I needed more time with Him. He said He doesn't have time and I said I knew that but it didn't change the way I felt, that I would get it back under control. He told me that I would. Then He told me to go to bed, that being tired was not going to help me pull myself together.

I said no. He just looked at me. I wanted to stand my ground but I chickened out and told Him that I wanted to kiss Him first, and then I would go to bed. He smiled at me and I kissed Him and He told me to get to bed. He said that things would hopefully get a bit better when the office is sorted out next week then He turned back to the laptop to get the work done and I stood in the doorway watching Him for a minute or so. I know He knew I was standing there. He wouldn't acknowledge me.

'You know,' I said, 'You have no idea how much I want to behave like a bad child and stay here just because it would be the wrong thing to do.'

I know I sounded like a petulant child, but I really did want to stand there just to piss Him off. He continued to ignore me and I went to bed. I hate it when He won't rise to the bait and at the same time I know that if He did acknowledge my tantrums they would get worse. Much worse.

I screamed into my pillow and punched the bed a few times before I snuggled down and went to sleep. Another week or two. I know I can make it without a major meltdown.

I know I can.

I hope.

(Pssst Happy Easter to the Christian readers.)

I have tried to write this a couple of times before but it always goes for so long and sounds like such a drama that I delete it. This time I hope to make it through. This all started about two and a half years ago, about a year before I became Mac's. The way things stood at the time:

Mac had just finished a long-term relationship with His girlfriend.
Sarah had just finished a long-term relationship with her boyfriend
Christine had been seeing Dan for two years and they were looking at making it permanent.

The reasons that Mac and I had split with O/our partners were completely unrelated. He and His girlfriend had been having problems for a while. I had just found out about another woman my boyfriend had been entertaining himself with. (I think that made her woman number three that I knew about at the time.) Mac's girlfriend was making it hard on Him, constant phone calls, discussions, meetings, they were really doing the job on each other. My boyfriend was trying hard to get back into my bed too. It was a very confusing time.

During this time Mac pointed out to me that I happened to be in love with Him. It came as a shock to me. I stuttered and stammered and denied it, then admitted it, then denied it again. Mac smiled and let me tell Him exactly why I wasn't in love with Him and then told me again that I was. He was right. He was honest with me, told me that with everything going on, He was incapable of loving anyone the way they should be loved. I understood. O/our friendship remained close. Mac would often come and talk to me when things got too much. He listened when I was having a bad day. It was a hard time, but it was a good time. W/we learnt a lot about being friends.

At the same time Mac and Christine were growing closer as friends too. Christine knew I was in love with Mac, I had confided in her and she would often giggle with me over Him.

One day, Mac and I made a mistake. W/we were at my place, just the two of U/us, just talking. He went to leave and I followed Him to the door and He turned around to say something to me and I moved the wrong way and He moved that way too and W/we kissed. It wasn't planned and W/we hadn't meant to but it was like all this tension between U/us was released. It didn't stop there and I ended up on my knees, His cock in my mouth, His hands in my hair as He said 'don't swallow, baby. Don't swallow.' And I didn't swallow and He knelt and kissed me, taking His semen from my mouth and He pushed me back and dribbled it onto me. I came under His tongue. He crawled up my still shuddering body and He kissed me. I held His face in my hands and W/we both knew it was wrong. I moved out from beneath Him and walked unsteadily to the kitchen and got myself a glass of water. My hand was shaking as I drank it. Mac asked if I was ok and I said I was and I put the glass down before I dropped it and walked back out to where He was standing. He looked so... worried.

He said He was sorry and I told Him it was ok and my heart was breaking. He asked again if I was ok and I tried to sound really cheerful and make Him believe I was. He said He should have shown more restraint and I hated Him for standing there and making it feel so dirty when it hadn't been, I just wanted Him to go. I told Him I was fine, it was just best forgotten and shooed Him out the door.

Then I cried. I cried and cried and cried. I am sure Mac was cursing Himself too. O/our friendship was important to the both of U/us. It hurt to know W/we had probably destroyed it. When I finished crying, I called Christine and we talked about nothing in particular. She realised I was upset and asked me why and I told her that I was fine and that Mac had just left. She said she was surprised but refused to tell me why she was surprised. I didn't pursue it.

The next day Christine and I were at the pub with a group of friends. One of the guys we know asked me why I had broken up with my boyfriend and much to my horror and embarrassment, Christine announced that it was because I was in love with Mac. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say. I tried to deny it because it wasn't true. I hadn't broken it off with my boyfriend because of Mac. Christine went on and on about it, laughing at my denials until I just said I had to go. I rang Mac as soon as I got home. I left a message on His answering machine and I was so upset that I really didn't make much sense.

When He got the message He came to see me. I cried on His shoulder for a while. I was not only embarrassed for me, but for Him too. I knew that He was trying to work things out with His girlfriend and I didn't want to spoil anything for Him. He told me it didn't matter. He was just worried about me. As long as I was ok He would be ok. I told Him I could handle it and He laughed and called me a big tough girl. He told me to stop crying and He kissed both of my eyes and when I opened them and looked at Him He told me I was beautiful. Then He said He had better go. I agreed that He should.

W/we saw each other on and off over the next couple of weeks. W/we laughed a lot, and there were some tears but mostly W/we just enjoyed being around each other. One of the days Mac told me that being loved by me was the nicest thing that had happened to Him in a long time. Another day He told me that for whatever reason I had given Him my heart and He was going to do everything He could to protect it until I asked for it back. During that time an old friend had come back into my life and told me that he was a dom. I was curious, very curious I wanted to see what this guy had to offer. I had always had an attraction to him but as I had been with my boyfriend, I had never done anything about it. I didn't know where things stood with Mac except that He kept saying that He wasn't ready to be in love. So I made a choice and the other guy and I started dating. I told Mac about it the next time W/we were alone.

He told me that He had fallen in love again too. It hurt to have Him say that but I understood. I never asked her name, I didn't want to know who she was. As soon as I could I called Christine. I was cool and calm, told her that when I told Mac about the new guy, He had told me He was in love too. Christine said 'I know.' I jokingly said 'I can handle it as long as it isn't with you.' Silence. Suddenly I knew.

'Oh my god, it is you. Mac has fallen in love with you?'
'You have to ask Him, I can't tell you, I promised that I wouldn't tell you.'
I started to cry. She started to curse Him, telling me that He had no right to lead me on the way that He had while He was telling her that I meant nothing to Him, that I was just another member of the "Mac Fan Club", that He liked having me around because I was good for His ego. She said He had told her that I would never mean anything too Him. I was destroyed. I told her that He must have been lying to her, that He couldn't have meant the things He said to her. W/we had been intimate. He had to care about me. She asked what had happened between U/us. I told her that I wouldn't go into detail, but it had been intimate and He must care. She was furious and told me that she was going to have nothing more to do with Him. I was confused and upset and needed to pull myself together for a date with the other guy so I hung up.

The next time Christine and I spoke she told me that Mac had asked her to leave Dan for Him and she had told Him no. I pretended I didn't care. She told me that Mac was chasing her all over the place, practically stalking her and He couldn't get it through His head that she wasn't interested in Him. I told her that I hated Him for using me the way He did. She told me I had to tell Him that. I decided that I should. I confronted Mac. I think my first words to Him were 'I never want to speak to you again you bastard.' It degenerated from there. Mac asked what He had done. I was ropable, how dare He act so damn innocent, He knew damn well what He had done. In the end He turned and walked away. W/we didn't speak again for 3 months. Christine told me I had done the right thing.

The next time I saw Christine she told me that she was getting tired of Mac begging her to leave Dan. I told her I didn't want to ever hear His name again. She said ok.

Two months later I found out that Mac was back with His ex-girlfriend. I was happy for Him.

A month after that, I split with the dom. I was so devastated. I didn't know where to go or who to turn to, except Mac. I sat down and wrote out what I was feeling in an email. I didn't know if He would reply. He did. He told me I was ok, that I was still the same beautiful girl. I just had to relax and believe in myself. I thanked Him and W/we left it at that.

I started dating Greg pretty much straight away. That lasted three months before I found out He was cheating on me. I was destroyed. What is it about me that makes men cheat on me? Why couldn't they love me? Why?

I wrote to Mac again. He wrote back telling me I pick the wrong men and that I had to stop choosing men and let one pick me. I wrote back to Him saying that all men suck and I was taking a three-month break and staying manless. He wrote back again telling me that He gave me two weeks tops. W/we still didn't really talk. W/we just emailed every now and then. Every time I got sad about being on my own, He told me to wait, that my One was out there, I just had to give him time to find me.

It was another four months before I actually bumped into Mac. I was blind rotten drunk, misbehaving with a couple of girlfriends. Mac was stone cold sober and I must have been a real sight. I could hardly stand up. He stood around laughing at me and shooing away any man that could see I was an obvious easy score.

He decided that for my own safety He should drive me home. I started crying. (Poor Mac.) I asked Him how He could be in love with Christine when He didn't love me? Why didn't I mean something to Him? How could He not care? He smiled at me and said He wasn't answering anything while I was so drunk. W/we could talk about it when I was sober, if I still wanted to talk about it then. I cried some more and Mac made sure I made it inside my apartment and told me to go to bed. He left.

A couple of days later, I called Him and asked if W/we could talk. He came over and W/we did talk. I asked Him why He had fallen in love with Christine when He was telling me that He couldn't love anyone. He was surprised. Really shocked. When He told me He had fallen in love He meant He had fallen back in love with His girlfriend and they had decided to give it another go. He made me tell Him everything Christine had said. He was furious. There were so many lies. I had hurt over nothing. He never asked her to leave Dan. He certainly wasn't stalking her. He wasn't leaving her messages, He wasn't telling her He loved her and He never told her that I meant nothing to Him. He told me that for months Christine had been telling Him that I was telling everyone that Mac would come crawling back to me on His hands and knees begging me to take Him back. I was shocked. I didn't even want to talk about Him. Why on earth would I have said that?

She had done an excellent job of keeping U/us apart. W/we had spent ten months virtually not speaking to each other. I had spent ten months believing I was worthless because He didn't care about me. The longer W/we talked the more lies W/we uncovered. I cried a lot. He got angrier and angrier. He told me that all He had wanted to do was protect me, He had tried so hard to make sure I wasn't hurt and Christine had hurt me anyway.

I confronted Christine about it. She told me flat out that she had never said those things about Mac. She swore that she never told me that He was in love with her, or that He didn't care about me. She swore that she never told me that He was stalking her or that He had asked her to leave Dan for her. She just flat out said she had never told me such things.

Mac confronted her about me saying that He would come crawling back to me. She told Him she never said that either. She told U/us both that W/we were ganging up on her and she was innocent. She had said nothing of the sort to either of U/us. Mac told her that He didn't give a stuff if she needed to pretend that she had rejected Him for an ego boost. He didn't give a fuck what lies she had to tell to make herself feel better. He was just pissed off that she could hurt me to do it. He told her that she knew how hard He had tried to protect me and that she had used her knowledge to stab me in the back while whispering to Him about how nasty I was being. He told her she was an evil conniving manipulative bitch and that if He never spoke to her again it would be too soon.

She came to me crying and I tried not to be sympathetic to her, I tried not to care but I do love her and I do care and it hurt to see her hurting as much as she was. She begged me not to turn away from her, she swore again that she had never said those things and yet I know she did, I heard her say them. I wondered to Mac if it was possible that she didn't remember. He asked if it mattered but He could see I was hurting over it. He told me to let it go, to forgive her, to forget it and move on with the friendship.

So I forgave her, but I didn't forget. Mac didn't even try to forgive her. If she had hurt Him, He would be able to, but because it was me she hurt, He just has no time for her. He is coldly polite to her when He can't avoid it. She treats Him in the same manner and the only reason they offer each other that courtesy is because of me. I avoid talking to either of them about the other. Neither of them hides their contempt. It's hard at times, but I do love them both. I just don't know if I can handle her hating Emma as well. I can handle what she did to me. I can forgive her the hurt and the lies, but I won't let her hurt Emma. I would never forgive her for that.

The really strange part about it all is that had Mac and I gotten together back then, it never would have worked out. W/we both spent that year learning a lot about ourselves and it was a very important time for me and for Him and W/we both believe that W/we needed that time to be ready to be together.

There. That's it. Sorry it was such a long story. But that's the reason that Mac and Christine can't stand each other. I know that if Mac, Emma and I believe in each other and trust each other, she wont hurt U/us. W/we wont let her.

And today W/we are going to buy a bigger bed, because when Emma stays over O/our bed is too squishy for the three of U/us to sleep comfortably and I have a feeling that she is going to be staying more often now. Emma and I have grown closer of late and Mac has loved watching us fall more in love.

He says it is a beautiful thing to see.